what i am (not)

at this moment. at this time and this place i find that i can not willingly or confidently identifiy myself as a christian any more.

this gives me great relief. because for most of my journey, i have never quite felt comfortable under that banner. primarily because all the other people - well most of the other card-carrying members didn't seem like people i wanted to be identified with. this is, of course, a huge generalization. as a group, however, i felt that people who call themselves christians tend to leave a bad taste in other people's mouths and more importantly, their fragile, often-broken hearts.

for me it's like having relatives that act really awful everywhere they go. so much so that no one really wants them at their establishments. and then you try to make a reservation and they hear your last name and ask: Are you related to so-and-so?' and then what do you do? you almost want to change your name so that no one will think you act like these people - because you don't.

anti-gay propoganda (louisana had it coming with all their gayness and lewdness) and marches, abortion clinic bombings (pro-life, but only for fetuses), the freaking war in iraq, the shunning of those who don't belong, the spewing of pompous self-righteous rhetoric - these are the kinds of things people think associate with right wing christians - the loudest of them all.

the thing is, though, i really like jesus. moreover, i really like what jesus had to say and how he lived out his message. (word being flesh and all that.) i don't really see much of that in traditional christian chuch today. i'm pretty sure i've already renounced religion a hundred different ways on this blog already. so, i guess it's the same old same old. but this is a process for me.

i'm reading a book called The Secret Message of Jesus by Brian McLaren and though it has some language in there that's still a little wobbly to me, the general message is shifting how i look at the new testament. which is a good thing. since i didn't want to look at it at all over the last year or so. deborah is now reading a book called (something like) "How to Take the Bible Seriously, Not Literally" and from what I hear, this is going to really shift things for me even more.

no matter how far away i walk from religion however, i feel as though i am moving closer to jesus. not necessarily as one to be worshipped, but more as the one who has brought hope and (the message of) healing for our lack of love (commonly called "sin") with his profound realization of the love of God.

i still have trouble praying and am generally uttering words of gratitude, thoughts, ideas, dreams, hopes and well wishes (for others and myself) into what i know is the constant presence of God but without any real intention except kind of "putting it out there". having said that, i will say that last sunday Matthew said a prayer that was the first real, moving prayer experience for me in ... months (?). it was the first time i could say amen to a prayer in a long, long time. so one year after the collapse of my artificial faith, i feel i am on a path toward recovery and healing. the path toward a much less grandiose but certainly more genuine kind of belief.

i know God is real and loving. and present in every breath. and perhaps, that's mustard seed enough.